It got me thinking. Feeling nostalgic.
I called my best friend, who I never see now. She didn't pick up, as it was 1am. I then called my exboyfriend, who now lives in Oakland. We talked for a few minutes and it cheered me.
I then grabbed my "nostalgia" box (its actually labeled that), and looked through it for a few minutes until I found a picture I hid away about a year ago.
I keep this box up in my closet, full of things I cant throw away, but dont want to look at more than once every 6 months. As I pulled this photograph out, I remembered the feeling it used to give me, then the feeling it produced that caused its banishment from my nightstand last June.
Then I looked at it.
I didn't feel nothing. It wasn't anything so dramatic. And honestly, feeling nothing upon viewing it would actually make me sad, because it isnt a meaningless photo. At one point it meant probably too much to me. But what it made me feel tonight was a feeling I was hoping to realise. A feeling I knew was in me somewhere, only unprepared to show itself.
But I looked at that photograph and I felt thankful, without any sadness.
Finally.
I'm not going to get into it, but a broken heart is crippling. It takes a long time to heal one.
I had a dream last night that the person in this photograph contacted me and proceeded to berate me, to criticize my recent choices (or lack therof). I have not dreamt of this person in months, so this dream stood out and really made me think.
I am doing this for myself.
Everything.
I have complete control of my own life, and to point at outside sources as an excuse is a cop-out and so wrong.
Im here and this is life and this may sound cheesy, but the most important things always do.
I am healed. Time to get to work.
