I AM SUCH A SUCKER

For fast talk. Why? Why do such strange characters have such overwhelming powers of persuasion? Aggghhhhhhhgghhhg

I had a simple task:

Go to Fedex, send a belt back to a jewelry company in Teaneck, NJ.

No problem. It was only 3pm, sunny, a 15 minute walk ahead of me. I was actually looking forward to it. A chance to get a little exercise and get a little more familiar with the neighborhood I'm currently staying in (though hopefully not for long), a run down shitty hole in the wall part of Jersey City.

I put my headphones on, hit shuffle and sail down the blocks in running shoes, a rarity for me unless Im under the "I want to get fit" persuasion, which is pretty fucking rare.

I make it to Fedex free and clear, observing silently the oddities I pass. I see a man walk a full block with a large plastic bag stuck to the bottom of his shoe. He doesn't seem to notice, despite the loud rustling sound. Several other wild-eyed scoundrels make strange sounds at me as I make my way home. I keep on my path, music in my ears.

Then as I'm hitting the home stretch, my attention is caught by a very large (possibly pregnant, though I doubt it) woman in a too small pink t-shirt and long black skirt waving at me. Knowing already that it's the wrong move, I take my headphones off and slow my pace with a questioning look in her direction.

"Do you have a minute?" She asks.

I'm already past suspicious. I ask "For what..?" , and she doesn't answer, just waves me over again. For some ongodly reason, I oblige.

"I see trouble on your face," she says. "I've seen you walk past here and I always try to stop you because I want to help you." I can feel my eyebrows raised way up, a little baffled, but I know what's coming.

"I want to give you a tarot reading--" she begins and I immediately back up and shake my head, but it doesn't work. She keeps talking and I keep listening. I can't help it. I ask her how much. $10. Ummm I'll have to think about it. Will you be here tomorrow? No? I have to do it now?

To my defense I never say yes to her, but...

She still ends up getting $19.25 from me.

What's wrong with me? Granted, I'm sort of a sucker for occult stuff. Just last month I payed $20 for the shittiest palm reading in history, even after the psychic answered her cellphone during my friend's reading. But did I learn my lesson? Fuck no.

This angel, who upon closer observation has a good amount of dark stubble on her chin, gets me to sit down on the steps of this random building with her, and without my agreeing to anything, proceeds to tell me my heart has been broken before and I have walls up. Is there anyone out there that this does not apply to? She tells me that I have business colleagues that are jealous of me. Really? Jealous of my non-existent job and current "residence"?

And then she says I'm going have twin boys by the time I'm 27. Okay, so I can't prove her wrong on that one for another two years, though she also added that it would be a long time before I fall in love again. She didn't specify how long, but I certainly don't intend on having two kids with someone I'm not in love with. Technically its possible,I might get knocked up by some loser and decide to keep it-I mean them-even though no one in my family has ever had twins.

I begin to realize that this little conversation is what she's expecting me to pay for. I stand up and tell her that I have to get home. She counters with "You have a very dark aura, a very dark aura. For $20 I can light a candle for you and things will begin to change for you. You've had a bad year, am I right?"

"No, actually this year had been pretty good."

"But last year was bad."

"....I guess."

"I'll go to the church and light this candle for you. I have to do it, I need to help you. I can see the pain in your eyes"

"Wait, I don't even get to keep the candle?"

"I have to light it for you at the church seven days in a row for it to start working."

Tragically, besides the obvious "this is bullshit" there is a little nagging voice in my head..

"What if she's for real? What if the reason I forgot to return that belt yesterday and had to Fedex it was because I was meant to walk by this obese bearded lady and her lighting of this candle will change my whole life?"

On the other shoulder, the voice of reason is shouting at me: "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE AND YOU ALREADY HAVE, YOU JUST MOVED ACROSS THE FUCKING COUNTRY ON A LEAP OF FAITH. BE STRONG AND QUIT TAKING SHIT FROM PEOPLE."

"But what if I miss a golden opportunity? What if my whole life has been leading up to this moment?"

"YOUR WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN LEADING UP TO EVERY MOMENT YOU LIVE, IDIOT."

"But she won't stop talking and I cant just walk away while she's talking!"

"STOP TRYING TO BE NICE. GROW THE FUCK UP. YOU ARENT 15."

Alas, then the voice of reason is overtaken with yammering candle talk again and she pulls the ultimate bullshit.

"Its usually $20 for the candle and $10 for the reading, but you know what, for you I'll do it all for $20."

"Wait, was that the tarot reading? You didn't have cards."

"You call me, we'll do the reading in a couple days at my house, but of course since its at my house you'll have to pay more."

"Why does it have to be at your house?"

"I'd do it at my office, but its being renovated."

Jesus Christ. The worst part of the whole thing is that it is so obviously a con, but I have so much faith in people that I want to believe in their intentions, and that wins out wayyy too often. I decide to ask her a couple of questions, maybe just to make myself feel like I'm trying to stand up to her. I ask her name.

"Christine," she says.

GOD DAMN IT. That's my mom's name. Even worse, I tell her this. The traitor part of my brain thinks it might be a sign. So I tell her I'll give her $10 for the candle thing. Also because on the tiny tiny chance that this psychic shit really is her profession, I feel bad that she gave me a "reading" for free.

Then I realize I don't have cash. She then talks me into going to the store and buying her a soda to get cash back. As we walk down the streets of Jersey City together, such an odd pair we must appear, her small son (who is probably some neighborhood kid she talked into masquerading as hers on the promise of future candy) runs ahead of us and she screams at him. He runs into a mini-mart (cash only) and she says "Just a second, I need to get him something to eat", and goes into the store.

This, I just want to point out, was my big chance for a prison break. I could have run down a side road and lost her. It would have been so easy... but then I realized I'd have to avoid her for the rest of the time I'm living here. I collided with her only 3 blocks from where I'm staying, so it stands to reason I will see her again, especially if as she claims, she's seen me before.

I can't win.

"Christine" comes out with her little brat, and we cross the street to another bodega. I take $20 out of the atm. I'm not handing this bitch a $20, so I tell her if she wants a soda, go get it.

She asks if the soda will be her tip. I say yeah, sure, whatever. A soda and $10.

For no fucking reason.

Then she reminds me that we agreed (did we?) on $20 for the 4 bullshit sentences she told me about my life and an imaginary candle.

I tell her I'm unemployed and can't afford $20. We settle on $15. And a motherfucking soda. I guess maybe after all this, I am just willing to pay her to get her to leave me alone.

So you may be wondering..$15 and a soda, that should be like $16.50, not $19.25...

Right. I thought so too. I'll have a few bucks left over after getting ripped off, and I'll get coffee with it tomorrow. I hate getting coffee with my card anyway.

So we get to the counter and she throws a fucking package of cashews on the counter with her fucking Orange Slice. What am I supposed to do, start an argument in this store over a package of cashews? I roll my eyes and don't say anything. Then her little brat reaches up to the counter with some of those sour gummy stick things in a gross little wrapper. She says no, and he starts crying and she instantly puts the candy back up on the counter.

I proceed to pay $4.25 for this trio of goodies. I take back my $15.75 in change and numbly hand her the bills. The cashier looks at us suspiciously, but I glance away in shame and exit the store. "Christine" then asks for my phone number, so we can make an appointment for a tarot reading.

FINALLY my instincts kick in and I refuse to give her my phone number. Swindle $20 out of me sure, but you aren't getting my number! Ha!

She gives me hers though, written on a receipt. She tells me to ask for Pauline? I don't even care enough to ask. I take the limp piece of paper and book it out of there, taking an alternate route so she can't figure out what street I live on.

I need to get my act together. If I want to make it in New York, I better toughen the fuck up and stop being nice. The problem is, I am a nice person. I like believing in people. I don't understand why the world forces you to be jaded and cold. Do I have to change who I am to get by? Granted, this is a small example. And I think if I had been in a different mood, I could have just said no. And that's not cruel. Thats not changing who I am. Its called not being a fucking doormat. I just want to see honesty in other people so badly that I invent it sometimes. That needs to stop. I'm a smart girl. I really am. I just need to start acting like it.

In any case, if anybody needs some spiritual guidance, to hear a human voice, or a reason to kill yourself, call 201-428-4223